I once had a dream that had a very profound effect on me. For some reason I was told I had to kill myself because of some disease that I had attained, and my parents insisted that I followed through with what the doctor told me. I had seen two other coworkers do the same in my dream, Greenlee and Wall, I was at their funerals. I had to take these two pills after two days. One pill was a sleep aid, while the other was what looked like some kind of grinded herb within a capsule. You would take the sleep aid and then waited thirty minutes until you took the capsule. I guess the purpose was to have you fall asleep and hoped that herb killed you in your sleep. That seems quite peaceful to be able to die in your sleep. I'm not quite sure if I absolutely had to take these pills. I was considering not taking them, but I could not bring myself to do it. I was stuck within this conflict with no way out. I was headed for certain death and I had no say in it. My dream played out almost like it was real life.
I was depressed, scared and sad. I had no one there to talk to, it seemed like everyone was avoiding me. My parents seldom showed up in this dream, so I could not confide within them. I actually felt like I lived through 2 days of straight fear, I didn't want to do it. I would have rather the disease kill me, than me kill myself. Even as I woke up I was still scared, and had really bad anxiety. I still wanted to just bawl my eyes out. I always try and convince myself that I'm ready for death at any time, and that I shouldn't be scared because I'm going back into the earth, right where I came from. Everything within the here and now are made up of the same basic elements. We are all the same thing, but in different forms. So when I see death, I just see me transforming into something else. My body will decompose and feed the earth while the energy inside me is used up by my surroundings. I am alive yet I am already dead. We all are. I wish I could crack this code that we call our survival instinct. It plays an important role in keeping us alive, but yet it holds us back from embracing death and becoming comfortable with dying. I've thought a lot about this dream. It's a unique experience that not a lot of people have done. Sometimes when I sit still, become quiet and meditate, I'm able to feel that fear and anxiety that I felt in my dream. I really try and build off of it; let it feed into my philosophy and help me learn more about myself, life and death.
I guess my dream proves otherwise, I guess I'm not as fond of death as I think I am. Yet we all are afraid of death and dying. I hope someday that when I die that I will not experience fear and anxiety but instead have a peaceful and happy mindset. I want to be content in passing away.